I Never Know

I used to be a very rigid person. I judged people so easily, in a blink of an eye. If lots of people were having trouble deciding, I was exactly the opposite of that. For those who grew up in the 90’s, you must know this song lyric: ‘I only see things black and white… Never shades of grey…’ Yes, that was me too.

But then slowly but sure, life reveals its richness to me. There are actually a lot of colors in the world. It really doesn’t have to be just plain black and white. I don’t have to insist on becoming colorblind.

Too many times I got surprised by how things end up in my relationships with people. My best friends are mostly those whom I despised at first sight. Imagine that. To discover totally different facts from what is seen on the surface, is quite a slap to my face. So I got slapped quite a lot of times. Guess that’s how life taught me to be mature. And time has a very majestic role in shaping the rough stone in me.

A proverb in bahasa says: ‘tak kenal maka tak sayang’, which means: how can you love if you don’t know. How can you find the goodness that you can like, if you don’t understand.

My first impressions have been proven my own worst enemy. Disappointment comes after an awe. Now this, is a lesson about managing expectations. It hurts to find out that my heroes are not really heroes, thus it’s humiliating to find out that my villains are actually not the villains at all. Maybe, I just see it all from the wrong angle.

See, the idea is not about blurring the line that separates the right from the wrong, or the good from the evil. Because for me, those are the basics. It’s there wherever I go, even when I choose not to see it.

It’s about opening my mind toward everything that comes my way. I could hate any situation I deemed unfavorable. I could be allergic to some people with certain traits I can not tolerate. But will it make me a better person? Remember that, hatred itself is a negative thing in nature. I don’t think I’m going anywhere better with it.

So… maybe, I should always keep in mind that what I dislike now, may not stay like that forever, just like those best friends of mine, or that working experience that once pissed me off big time but then turns out to be one of the most valuable experiences I cherish until now.

Maybe, when I understand more, I will find the goodness I missed to see at the beginning.

Maybe, when I accept things the way they are without condemning, I get to see the various colors which are actually beautiful when combined.

Judgement is like a closed window. I’ll never know if the weather has changed if I don’t open it.

In the end, let me just give thanks for every situation I’m in. It may be a blessing in disguise.

Good night Jakarta.